Look at THAT!!!

After being around my mother who had Alzheimer’s I realized that her mind was trying to pick up things that she had seen already.

On one of our many drives that we did around town we had come down to a street where the ducks were in the middle of the road. I slowed and eventually stopped to allow the birds to move. They were slow and taking their time as if they had any worries in the world. I backed off away from them because I did not want to run one or more over. As we went really slow one of the ducks took off and then another and then another.

After I realized they all had taken to flight, I sped up and they flew right down the middle of the road we were driving. They did not gain altitude and acted as if it was show time. Mom got so excited.

Look at THAT! she would say over and over again. I do have to admit that it was unusual they took to flight in the middle of the road and did not gain altitude. I kept my distance so we would not scare them to the right or left.

I never realized how fast a duck can fly, but they got up to 30 miles an hour and we stayed fairly close to them.

Over and over again, mom would say, LOOK AT THAT!

She was like a 5 year old child that was looking at birds for the first time. Even after they were gone she kept saying over and over to me, did you see that? I did, I would reply and then she would say, did you see that?

I have to admit, during that time it was fun to watch her, even though her mind did not remember them the next hour.

We did have a small moment together.

Computers..? Not so much…

My parents lived in Wyoming and internet for them was not readily available. I talked to my parents about getting a computer, but my dad would always say, what is the point? I would talk about all the benefits of the Internet and other things I THOUGHT he might like, but he always came back and would say, I don’t need it. I have everything at my disposal that I need.

As I think about that, he is right. 32 years ago as a newly married man, my wife and I did not need the computer or the Internet. Cell phones were not going yet and we did just fine. Really the computer is a want and so are cell phones. To the day that dad and mom passed away, they did just fine with out them.

Of course here I am, on the computer and on the Internet.

When I moved mom and dad here, I sold dad on doing E-mail at least. I talked about the speed and how fast you can connect to all your grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I created an email account and showed him how to log in and write a letter. We talked about URL’s and that was way over his head. So I had to break it down to more simple terms that he was used to. I said, Dad when you mail a letter to me you put on the front of the envelope my address right? Yes, he said. Great well, URL’s are an address for you to deliver mail to just like an address is on the front of a letter. Except, what you type in, and send gets there in seconds, not days. (Hence the Post Office is suffering.) Isn’t that amazing? I said. Well, yes but a letter still does the same thing, and I really don’t mind waiting, he replied.

My dad had the best penmanship, it was very easy to read and each letter was concise with the previous one. It was more than legible, it was very professional looking. He wrote a lot of letters.

Anyway, we set up the email, I wrote down how to get into email (Just click on an Icon) and the computer remembered his passwords, and he was in. Then I put all the URL’s into the address section, and all he had to do was type in a first name at the top and it would pick up the receivers info. Simple? Yes for me it was. But dad could not remember the concept.

Everyday, I would go over and say, did you check your email to see who wrote you? No, I forgot how to get in. Well, I said, lets go over it again, Okay? Sure, he said and I would do it again.

I did this for about two weeks. Finally, after that time frame, I gave up. It was the same thing just a different day. He loved reading the emails sent to him by family, but he could not grab the computer/Internet concept. Period. I could be labeled the worse computer/Internet instructor ever lived. UNTIL, I ran across some friends of mine who expressed the same concern.

So this is what I did, I would go in and read the email to dad, and then he would dictate to me what he wanted to say and I would type it in. That went well for awhile, but one day I went in and said do you want to read the emails? No, I don’t, he said. I said, oh,… well… what can I do to help you. Nothing, he replied as he gets up, walks over to the kitchen counter and picks up about 5 letters he had written that morning. This is the best way, right here, he said, and that is what I am going to do. Okay, I said.

I realized later that writing the letters was the best way for him. He took the time, he had done it for years, and why change now at 80 years old. Occasionally, I would take him the laptop and bring up stories of WWII and things about ships or planes. Then he loved the computer. He would sit there for hours and look at pictures or stories about WWII and then he would start telling me more about the era and what he went through as a WWII veteran. I wished that I would have recorded those moments, but I didn’t and they are only a memory for me and me alone.

My parents had a cabin in the Wyoming mountains, the same mountains that dad lived in several times as a boy. It was 20 acres of wonderful tall pines, great fishing, clean air, fresh mountain water, awesome storms, beautiful wildlife, tons of places to hike, no Internet, no TV, an occasional radio station and memories galore.

One thing that he was absolutely right about…we really don’t need these….computers. He and mom did great without it.

A Mask IS Required

Dad took a real bad turn for the worse and with in ten weeks he was gone.

 

I pushed our local VA for help but the assigned PA really did not know what he was doing. He was nice and I know he tried his best, however he waited until I was so upset at him before he finally responded.

After spending the day with a sinus doctor at the VA, he finally decided that he was going to life flight dad to the Seattle VA. I got permission to be on the plane and off we went. We arrived at 10:00 pm and the next day was Veterans Day and almost all the doctors were going to be gone. So here we were with an all day doctor, then life flighted into Seattle Washington VA and they spent the rest of the night until 5am poking him and running tests.

It was not until the 7am meeting with a sinus specialist that I learned more of what was happening. Before I tell you the diagnosis let me share with you the doctors comments. First he said, why did they air flight you here? What do you expect me to do? We are just going to send you home because we cannot do Surgery here because he will die on the operating table. He had fired at me so many questions and I lost it. In so many words I put it back on the VA. The care and concern for dad was terrible, the quality of medical attention at this point was pathetic and Seattle was no better. It appeared that all we did is ruin his day off!!!

Finally he explained that he has a tumor in the sinus cavity that has broken through the membrane and now entered his brain. He then asked me, did your father do wood working? I said yes he did and has done for 70 years. Well he said, we have since discovered that if you breath in the wood dust it will stick to the sinus walls and later you have this tumor.

A mask is required if your doing any kind of wood working. No one should breath in the saw dust because this is what we are finding what happens.

I said, so your telling me the Boise VA DOES NOT know this? They consulted with someone here and so here we are now. But there is nothing you can do? Nope came his reply, but we’ll do more test on Monday. I said he has not eaten or drake anything in over 36 hours and he gets really sick with food in his stomach, so can we get something for him? No, he said we will wait for tomorrow. Really? Are you sure? Maybe some crackers and water? No, he said again. I said he will vomit then.

Sorry came his reply. They had an oxygen mask on him, and I left his room for a few minutes and when I came back his mask was full of water. I hurriedly removed the mask and he coughed up water but I could tell a lot of it went into his lungs. I called the nurse and she came in, in about 2 minutes, and during that time dad vomited again. She called a doctor who ordered a chest X-ray. The doctor listened to his lungs and said yes he took on some water, but we will wait for the X-ray. I said are you sure? Yes he replied. I called my sister and my brother in law who is in the medical field and said please listen to this. When they did, they both said that he sounds terrible and what is going on? I explained and told them I was waiting for X-ray’s.  Good they both replied and we hung up. BUT dad died five minutes later as he could not get the oxygen he needed.

I had all the DNR in order and I had to fight to stop them from reviving him. It became a yelling match between me and the doctor and I told him I would get physical with him if I had to. He was gone and there was no help with the tumor. I won.

Finding Joy in the Journey

There is Joy in the Journey when taking care of the Elderly.

I will be the first to tell you that taking care of your parents or any loved one can be taxing on any individual. It can get really hard when your cleaning their bottom or changing sheets when they lost control of their bowel movements. It turns out to be a labor of love.

I’ll be the first to admit that my relationship with my father was not on the best of terms. Partly because of the way he and mom treated my dear wife of 32 years. On many occasions mom and dad were out of line and I never said much in her defense, so I’m to blame there.  BUT, it was my wife’s encouragement to have my parents move closer AND to have dad move in with us. I kept asking her if she was sure and she would come back and tell me it is the right thing to do. (Side note: Her compassion is amazing. Even when others have expressed discontent or hatred, she forgives instantly and reaches out….Now you know why I would never let her go)

When dad first moved in he was not very kind or even seem appreciated that we were sacrificing to help him. Shortly after we moved him in my older sister and her husband came and visited. We were sitting down together and visiting when right in front of everybody dad made a very strong comment that he could not trust me. He was very strong in his language and even my sister tried to help him understand the sacrifice we were doing for him. But it was empty words to his ears. He was only here because he had no where else to go.

I kept my mouth shut and never said a word. I vowed then that I would change his mind and earn the trust I thought he had for me. To this day I am not sure what would have driven that kind of comment. I have always loved my father, and I always showed him and mother the respect they deserved. I never talked back to them as an adult, (I know I did as a child, but that was childish behavior, and when I became a man, I put away childish things.) even in their older years.

The truth is I did all I could to help him feel comfortable and I went more than the extra mile. I did find that joy in the journey. After about six months had gone by he started to share with me his deep appreciation for our time and efforts. He even sat my wife down and apologized for the times that he knew he had treated her very disrespectfully. I knew that he would change his mind. If you love someone long enough and for the right reason, they eventually will come around. Dad did.

The true joy came in when he started to confide in me in regards to family matters and asked what I thought. The joy came when he wanted to go to a granddaughter wedding and asked if I would drive him the six hours so we could just visit. The joy came when I took him and some of his friends to his favorite place, the mountains, although I did not know it was going to be his last trip, it is a memory of love I shall not forget. The joy came on many occasion as I comforted him over mom’s memory loss. They joy came when I put my arm around him and told him I loved him and he said to me, I love you too, I don’t know what I would have done without you. The joy came when I held his hand for the last time as he struggled to breath and then his heart stopped. (tear) The joy came when they draped the American Flag over his body and people saluted as they wheeled him out of the hospital.

I was not sure about finding the JOY IN THIS JOURNEY, but I did. I would not have changed it for anything in the world. The rest of my family did not want the burden, but I did, and it was joy.

Gone in ten weeks?

After my father had moved in with us, he was doing really well. We had many conversations with him and he walked up and down the stairs to access his room with out any problems, drove his car to see mom, and worked out in the garage with his wood working equipment. He was doing so well.

When my grandkids came over, they went up to see great grandpa over me, all most every time. Even if I had just told him that he is not here, they went anyway to see if I was telling the truth.

I had just taken a new job, and I was required to be in The Dalles Oregon for the week when I got a call on Monday evening that they put dad in the hospital. I did not finish out the week, and I came home immediately to see what was going on.

The doctor had said that he had to much fluid in his legs and that is the reason he was having a hard time to get up and use the bathroom in the middle of the night. I said ok, is that all? No, said the doctor, we have put him on a water pill and it will require that he goes to the bathroom frequently.

After visiting with dad, we agreed that he would stay with mom for a week or two and as he got better, and could walk, we would bring him home. Mainly because we did not have the money to keep him there for a very long time and he knew this, it was going to be a short stay.

But as time went on, he got worse. In a matter of a few days he had a hard time to think. I would ask him a question and he would take 2-3 minutes before he would answer. We also noticed that he was having a hard time feeding himself. After a week, I noticed that his nose on the right side was swollen. I asked the nurse if he fell and she said no, but that it is an infection. They had a doctor look at it and they put him on antibiotics.

After about 3 weeks, he was not getting better and in fact had gotten worse. I had taken him back to VA on several occasions and I had just exchange unpleasantries with the assigned PA. I also demanded that they do a full and complete body make over to see what was going on. But they could not find anything and just decided that the nose was an infection that will get better soon.

But it did not.

After 6 weeks, dad would not feed himself, or walk, or talk or do anything. We were losing him and fast. I would sit at the end of his favorite recliner on the floor and stare into his eyes. I would beg him, Please dad, just speak and tell my what is going on. But he would not, he could not.

After 10 weeks I sat on the floor again staring into dad’s eyes, his nose considerably larger, now several different kinds of meds and it was worse and had this nasty smell. Again I tried to get him to talk. Again I just sat there and stared into his eyes. As I did I was over come and the tears began to run down my face. Quietly, I said dad, please just speak to me. Nothing. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it hard, still nothing. Has I stared into his eyes and he stared back, the tears rolled down my cheeks, I noticed that he had tears rolling down his cheeks as well. He could not speak, but inside I could tell he was there.

He passed away on November 11, 2011 after he and I had been flown by air ambulance to the Seattle VA. They were going to do nose surgery, BUT they discovered that there was a tumor in the sinus cavity and that it had eroded into the brain. Surgery was too late.  The end result was that he passed away after he had swallowed water from throwing up. I was holding his hand. There was nothing to be done. He had begged me to not allow them to revive him if his heart stopped and after a big argument, I would not allow them. (Another story)

The bottom line is, your aged parents…. they are not going to be around long. Your grandparents………are not going to be around long. Take a little time and visit with them while you can. Hold their hand, stroke their hair, massage their backs, and just love them. Massaging dads back was one of the last things I did, and I would say, “Does that feel good?” and he would say yes…. and that was it.

Detached, but not leaving?

Right after we moved mom and dad into a Retirement facility that could handle mom and one that dad could fee comfortable with, I thought it would be so much easier.

They were on the 2nd floor and it was not possible for mom to wander any more than the second floor. 

I remember after they had been there about a week or two, I got this frantic phone call from dad, “Your mother is missing” he desperately said. I said what do you mean….Missing?  Yes, he said, I have looked everywhere and I cannot find her. Well I said, have you contacted the main office down stairs? No, came his reply. I am sure she has found another room to walk in and she is just looking around. I calmed him down and called the main office in which they said they would go look and call me right back. I said sure, but I was headed that way anyway, I will come find you and then let me know. Okay came the reply and I hung up. 

When I got to the facility they had found mom in some obscure room. She was fine and she was just doing her own thing. I sat down with dad and tried to explain to him that he could leave and do some errands around town or visit grandkids, or shopping or just about anything he wanted to do. No, he said I am not leaving your mother. I said,”Dad, this is why we brought you up here. You no longer have to worry about mom leaving the house, feeding her, dressing her or even bathing her.” But he insisted that he was not going to leave her alone. 

Again I said “Dad, you are not leaving her alone. She has all these people here to watch and make sure she is okay. There is no reason why you cannot just come over and do some wood working projects and then head back after a few hours.” But he would not do that. I tried and tried to convince him but it was to no avail.

Here we did provide the relief that dad need in taking are of mom, BUT he was not going to leave her. There were no words,  no chance of understanding that he could still eat breakfast with mom and spend time with her, and then go and get a break and do something else. I said it is like going to work. You stay here with mom, but work is calling you to do some wood working projects. Nope he would come back and say, I am staying here with your mother and that is it.

So he did, even though he was finally detached from taking care of her, he would not leave. When she took a turn for the worse and we thought that we were going to loose her, we had to move her into a special Alzheimer place that focused on her. Dad could have stayed with her, but there was not enough money to do that, so he moved in with us. Then, dad did extra things in the shop and drove to go shopping. BUT, everyday he was with mom, sitting on the couch, holding her hand and trying to talk to her. Sometimes they both fell asleep on the couch, holding hands. Those were tough days on dad. He was forced to be detached, and I could see that it almost killed him

A Waste of Time……?

When I first tried to move my parents closer to me,  my father was dead set against it. He did not want to move mother out of the home, because he was concerned that with her condition of early Alzheimer’s signs, she would go down faster and he would lose her, more.

A few years went by and the rest of the family continued to tell me that I was wasting my time.

I had interviewed, well kind of, I became interested in how to help my father and mother in their later years even if they don’t want the help. I was speaking to many older generation and what their experiences were and how they were able to deal with many different scenarios. As time went on I began to research different retirement centers. Some looked really good and others were questionable at best. So what did I do next? I started  planting seeds in my dads mind and giving him options. BUT I did not know that I was. I talked to him over and over again, but he kept rejecting me to move closer to me. It was going to be hard for him not mom. I believed mom was already at a stage that she did not know home, from another home. It was dad who did.

I wished that I lived next door to them, but I didn’t and moving there was not an option.

As time went on, the rest of the family was wondering what we were going to do to step in and help them. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall. Dad would not budge and I know that I pushed so much at one time that I was jeopardizing our relationship. So I stopped.

I was waiting for something to happen. And it did.

The moment I got a call that dad had accidentally taken to much medication after a dental appointment was all that I needed. I made the call and when dad picked up the phone the first words out of his mouth was….I am ready! I knew then that taking care of mom alone was too much for him and he needed help.

Because I had already sent him many brochures and talked to him about what place is good and what place is bad, that when I called he told me immediately where he wanted to go and asked if they had an opening. I made a call and called him back and it was a go.

I realized at that moment it was NOT a waste of time. All the phone calls, the brochures, and investigating on my own paid off.

With in 30 days, we moved mom and dad up to Idaho, distributed all their tangible assets that dad wanted to do, and had sold the house. It went fast and it would not have worked if I did not plan and prepare in advance.

It is never a waste of time to start early in helping your aged family for the later years of life. Yes, when they first retire they will do what they want, but when they can’t travel, and can hardly move around, if your not prepared it will be a bigger disaster than you think. I never thought that I would be giving my father medicine, and tucking him in bed at night, putting my arm around him when he cried, or the worst….cleaning him up after he had a bowel movement that he could not control.

I want you to know that life is not perfect, just life. If you are not prepared it will pass you by.

I Walk in Mine Integrity..

Years ago dad got a cane.

I am not sure at first why he got one and in fact, I teased him there for awhile that he even had one.

It was a cane made from wood that was all twisted up from the knots, and it was sanded the best you could because there were so many knots in it. It was a very beautiful cane and I cannot remember exactly how he got it. However, on the cane it had a brass plate riveted to the top of it, just below the handle. On the plate it read…….

“I Walk in Mine Integrity”

That is one thing about the older generation. Integrity. My dad had it oozing out all over. When I was 18, fresh out of High School I went to work in construction for my dad. I was a laborer and a shovel fit in my hand all to well. One of dads coworkers, was also one of dads best friends had worked for dad for many, many years. Dad was a construction Superintendent and did projects that were in the millions of dollars. Anyway, this friend of my fathers pulled me aside, probably because I was a know-it-all graduated from High School BRAT, anyway, he said to me,”Do you understand why your father gets these huge jobs?’ I replied no. He simply said “Because of his honesty and integrity” I thought, wow, I never thought of my dad like that.

From that point I watched closely as my father dealt with sub-contractors and many labors in order to get a job done right and on time. I mean we are talking jobs like Universities, High Schools, Industrial buildings and so on. In fact the time that I worked for dad, I helped build an elementary school and a medical center.

The more I observed, the more I realized dad’s friend was right. Dad expected from people no more than what he would do, BUT, dad did an honest days work, and then some, quality work, and then some. If a mistake was made by him, he was first to admit it and then make it right. I heard many conversations with sub bosses about their work ethics and the quality of work. He would observe everything and then either tell them thank you, or if they did not conform, dad would run them off the job if they did not get it done according to specs, and then find another sub to get the work done. He would not tolerate laziness, or idleness. I was expected to do the same thing. I was not allowed to rest on a shovel, or a rake. I had better be moving and working all the time.

Another quick story. One day we had to pour concrete into a floor. 80 yards of cement were coming and it was very cold outside. The concrete pump truck froze up and me and another labor had to wheelbarrow the entire 80 yards in. We would go dump our wheelbarrow and when we got back to the cement truck another one was already full waiting for me to take it. Personally, my dad watched all day long and THAT DAY………..I gave my all.  I really thought I was going to die at the end of the day.

That summer I worked….. I developed muscles I never knew I had,  AND that summer, my father taught me what honesty and integrity was all about. Sadly though, there is not much integrity, or honesty going on in the world today.

A stranger got in the car……

Right after I moved my parents into Idaho, I had put them in a facility that was willing to keep them together. My dad still drove and got around really well. I will tell you this quickly………When I first got there I made an excuse to go to the store and asked dad if he would drive while my wife stayed with my mom. He said yes and off we went. He did a really good job and I was really proud that he was slow and checking and double checking before he did any moves.  So I felt pretty good about him driving.

Right after they moved in I came over on a daily basis and just hung around visiting and chatting. However, I came one time and they were pulling out on to the street. My dad recognized me and stopped and rolled the window down. He said they were going to do a little shopping and asked if I would like to come. Sure, I said and I quickly parked my car and dad turned around to pick me up.

When I got into the car, I could tell that mom was not sure as to who and what I was doing. I got into the car and sat behind mom because I had a ton of leg room, as dad was 6″3″ and had the seat all the way back. She immediately poked dad in the arm and loudly exclaimed, THERE IS A STRANGER IN THE CAR! No dear, he replied, its Lee and he is our son. That did not go over with her. NO ITS A STRANGER, AND I DONT WANT HIM IN OUR CAR! My dad tried to comfort mom and it was not working. I finally decided that the real problem was, she could not see me. So I unbuckled my seat belt, (Don’t be alarmed I bucked another one back up) and moved over behind dad so mom could see me.

I tried to calm her down by talking softly and taking her mind off the situation. In my mind, I was thinking, what can I say, she is not going to know it is me, her son. Finally the answer came, WOW! LOOK AT ALL THOSE CARS ON THE ROAD! She immediately turned around and mimicked what I had just said.

My parents were from a small community in Wyoming that had maybe 10,000 people. Not that Boise Idaho is a huge metropolitan city, but we do have a few cars.

It worked!!

 

She quickly forgot that I was a stranger, and started to call me “that man.”  I kept telling dad, it does not matter if you tell her my name, it means nothing to her.
At least now, I was that man riding in the car with them and going into the store with them and then riding home with them and not a stranger.  The entire time, I was that man. She would ask dad a question and finally dad would say, why don’t you ask “that man?” Then she would. We were best friends by the time we got home. IN fact she invited me to come back and visit.

OTR

As a grandparent prior to 2008 we owned our own company bringing in over 250,000 a year in income. At 2010 we lost that company and for the next year and a half I stayed home taking care of my father and watching over my mother who resided in an Alzheimer facility. During that time I continued looking for work as well, we spent our entire savings to survive and was fraud out of 65,000 dollars while trying to start a new company. Also during this time we never took one penny in government help or support. Nada. We have not made a house payment for two years now and keep getting rejected for government support and help. We have applied again but I’m sure the same letter will follow shortly. I finally fell back on an old lifestyle 25 years ago and that is driving truck over the road. OTR.
I think the pay is the same as it was 25 years ago, however work is work, and money is better than nothing. We have food, clothes and transportation. I’m not sure that the roof over our head will be the same one much longer.
Economically, the country ran by our current administration is focused on their economy with greed and power as their drivers.
A picture of a hard hat signifying my return to blue collar working days. I currently drive 2000 miles a week for less than 700 dollars a week.
If the economy is on recovery please tell me where it is? For it is not at my home.

So this is the life if a grandparent?

Thanks to all of you who voted to keep this current White House together. You must be the filthy rich who are blinded by your greed and the poor who voted only to hold your hand out for more government money.

I pray I can out last the rest of this presidents foolishness and hatred to this country.